“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.”

Recently my life has been in constant turmoil, and now is no different.

First off, Mat and I have ended our relationship, and all I can think of is this quote. "Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are."
(Frank Salvato)

I am not well. I'm brave enough to say this to you. I'm broken and I hurt. My heart has been ground to dust under the heel of a self-centered man.

Over the past four years I have been treated with insane amounts of contempt, I have been neglected, and even abused. My heart has been played with and discarded. My soul has been kicked aside and trampled.

My mother has compared me to a Xena episode, actually. And while part of me wanted to smile over the show reference, the image that it left in my mind was...poignant. The story was of the Goddess Aphrodite... There was a man, and every time he kissed her, he stole some of her godhood, and she got more and more pale, her light ever fading.

And that has been me. I am exhausted and weak, I am pale and ill. I am wasting away in a home where I am blamed for loving, where I am punished for my faith, and I am afraid to forgive.

Now, be aware that for all my anger, I do not hate nor do I want you to bad mouth Mat. I am angry because I have been wronged. I am angry because I have been hurt. But I have earned this anger, and while I know your hearts have bled for me, he is not a bad person. He is a person who is undeveloped. He hasn't learned how to be an adult, a man.

Of course, the results of this crisis have left me in absolute desolation. I am destroyed. I am not ashamed to admit I have cried myself to sleep, nor am I afraid to admit I haven't eaten in 72 hours because I have been so distressed that I get sicker trying to eat then not. I am aware that I have cried myself sick, and that this is cause for worry. But take heart in the fact that at least I'm not hiding it from you.

I have cut.

But I'm working now on coping in a healthier way. I have also chopped off 5 inches of my hair. Oh yes.

Thank god for Xanax, and for my plane ticket home. I'm so grateful for my friends, and my family.

And this situation has really started to show me who IS and who is NOT a true friend. There are those I can count on to tell me truth no matter how much it will hurt, no matter what the consequences. There are those I know will defend me, who have my back and are trying to offer me every bit of help they can. There are those whose hearts sing to mine while I try to relearn the song of my soul.

And then there are those who are cowards. Who will never again have my love or trust. There are those to whom I am kind because it is the GOOD thing to do, and I am going to be a good person.

Because really, I don't know if sins are ever forgiven. I don't know if I am so good that I can really BE good, but I will try. I will try to be good. Because even a stunted tree reaches towards the sun. And even I will yearn to forgive, to love and to be loved.

And it's hard right now. It's hard to believe that I am loved. And part of that is my Borderline. The already present fear of rejection, the distrust, the paranoia...They already reside in my mind...and while I keep them in check, the behavior that Mat has displayed...

Well, I'm not sure I can believe in love. But cruelty, that I have faith in. To quote Jacqueline Carey "When Love cast me out, it was Cruelty who took pity on me." And that...That cuts to the heart of my life. And that makes me feel like Alice. I feel as though I have lost my muchness. (Yes, I am making an ABSURD amount of references. Because I am on my Xanax and my brain is a little fuzzy from all the cry. So accept it.)

And I am afraid. I am so afraid. Because...Mat wants me to move out. My options are very limited. And none of them particularly ideal. If I can find my own housemate, good. If I cannot...then I would be put into a shelter or transitional housing. My mom will have none of this and would rather come get me then allow that to happen.

Mat has said 'we'll figure something out' because he doesn't want me to be in a shelter either. But...I don't see how we'll figure anything else. If we stay living in the same house I can only see a couple outcomes...Either we'll fall back into our old patterns, and be miserable. Or we'll try and heal and get over things and because of the intense stress of the situation it will become violent over time.

This isn't exactly something I want out of life. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want loyalty, I want trust, I want to be able to trust. I want all the things that I believe in my heart are human RIGHTS.

And I do not believe I will get that.

I am very, very broken inside.

Rules from the life of a BPD girl

Yeah, I'm doing this. Because I'm thinkin' about things. (mind you, it's not OMG Rule #1 is most important...They're all of equal importance.)


Rule #1: Honesty is the best policy, however, that doesn't mean you need to spill all the aspects of your life. Sometimes for your own sake answer ONLY the minimum of the question asked of you. (Example: If you're asked "Do you know what time it is?" You answer yes, or no. Not what the actual time is.)
(A note: Do not use this rule as an excuse to HIDE things. If you are asked a question, answer it. If someone indicates they need the whole truth, no reservations then respect them enough to DO so.)


Rule #2: Protect yourself. Be a good person, be kind, be generous, but do not drain yourself on the behalf of someone if you don't have to. Especially if they do not deserve it. Sometimes, it is needed, and there are people who deserve it. Be unstinting in your goodness.


Rule #3: Trust MUST be earned. If you have earned the trust of someone else and they do nothing to earn yours, they never will. Trust should be mutual.


Rule #4: Respect is like trust. If you're not giving, do not expect to get it. UNLESS you have been respectful and they do not respect you. That is when you may ask for proof of respect before returning it.


Rule #5: If you've been taken for granted, don't fight. Just walk out. No words, nothing. Just leave. Because your words won't matter.


Rule #6: Past actions ARE the best indicator for future behavior.


Rule #7: Trust your instincts. If they say you're being lied to, you probably are.


Rule #8: Do harm to none. But do not let them harm you either.


Rule #9: A contingency plan is a good thing to have. If you don't have one already for the major aspects of your life, start planning.

Rule #10: Speak your mind. But use tact. Being a jerk will get you nowhere, and if it DOES, then you should reconsider the people in your life.

Rule #11: NEVER let someone treat you like you're inferior. If they feel the need to do so, show them the error of their ways. If they don't listen, remove them from your life.

Rule #12: Set your boundaries. Guard them. Do not let anyone breach them.

Rule #13: Bottle your emotions and you will regret it. It will take a toil on your mind, body, and soul. And eventually it will become too much and you WILL explode. When you do, it will be ugly. Try to avoid such a situation.

Rule #14: Never hide an injury...even the ones no one can see. Especially the ones that are unseen.

Rule #15: If you are lying, expect to be lied to.

Rule #16: Always expect the worst, that way no matter what happens you'll be prepared.

Rule #17: People will be cruel. If you start to believe them, find a professional and trust them to tell you the truth, or go to the people who love you, they won't lie to you or for you. Because people are cruel for more reasons then there are life under the sun.

Rule #18: Be strong enough to support yourself. You will never be 'completed' by another person. Work every day to LOVE and ACCEPT yourself.

Rule #19: Your friends should be of the HIGHEST caliber. You will be judged by the people you call your friends. If you surround yourself by people as smart, and smarter then you, you will always be learning.

Rule #20: Always be willing to try things that will heal, or better you.

Rule #21: Embrace your responsibilities. Find joy in all aspects of your life.

Rule #22: Never abandon someone. Hold yourself to honor and integrity, bring courage into your life in all aspects.

Rule #23: Find healthy ways to release your anger, your rage, your sorrow, your fear, your pain.

Rule #24: If you betray someone, expect the worst karma. You will never be trusted again.

Rule #25: If you can't share the spotlight, then be ready to be alone...

Rule #26: To not bend is to break. To not meet half way is to say you're better then other. To say that is to be a bastard. You then deserve to get punched.

Rule #27: The world is violent, humans are violent. To pretend to be totally civilized is to deny the most primitive part of us. But to do violence to another is the epitome of wrong.

Rule #28: Do not be afraid, or too proud, to ask for help.

Rule #29: Family comes first. Love comes first. To balance these things is hard, but you must do so.

Rule #30: Demand happiness. Do not settle for less.

Rule #31: EXPRESS YOURSELF. Be who you are.

Rule #32: Always have goals. Make plans, don't just dream. But dream. Dream big.

Rule #33: Lean about yourself. Learn about the people in your life. If that means research, then do so. Go the distance.

Rule #34: When you LISTEN, listen with your soul as well. When you SPEAK, speak with your whole body. When you LOVE, love completely.

Rule #35: Find beauty everywhere. Because there is so much ugliness and there is so much cruelty and it could break you if you let it. So find beauty, surround yourself with it.

Rule #36: Love. LOVE! Love love love. Love unconditionally.

Rule #37: Cultivate patience! It is indispensable.

Rule #38: Acceptance and tolerance. Accept yourself, accept those around you. That which you do not agree with tolerate. Obviously this has boundaries. Do not accept or tolerate abuse, neglect, murder, things that are WRONG. Those you should NOT accept. I state this so as not to be used as an excuse.

Rule #39: Man up to your mistakes. Own your faults, own your weaknesses, know yourself and don't back down from the truth. If you mess up, admit it, apologize, work not to do it again.

Rule #40: If the people in your life do not love and accept and support you when you're at your worst in life, they don't deserve you at your best. This is the absolute truth.



That is all for now. As I discover more, I will add them.

Of all the things I miss the most, I miss the ability to run away

Of all the things in the world I wish I had, I wish I had the ability to walk away and not look back. To leave without pain. To cut ties and feel no remorse.

Aside from that I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, an arm to support me, an ear to listen, and the reassurance, that I am safe.

The Borderline is so hard to manage alone. And that is the worst thing. For all that I fear abandonment, it doesn't matter because I already am alone. I am alone in a way that no one else I know is.

Often I feel isolated, unwanted, alone. I feel lost, and unappreciated and hurt.

And how not? How am I supposed to feel when people forget, or don't care or just allow me to face this alone? How does one fight an army when they are a single person? I know we're supposed to face our demons and fight them, but do we have to do it alone?


My words are stolen from me, my feelings are not validated, my needs are not met. (Please take me away from here.)

I don't want to be this person anymore. I'd like to fall asleep and never wake up. I wish I could change. I wish I had the courage to be anyone other then who I am.

Grant me one wish, and let me forget everyone I've ever known. Let me step into the shoes of someone else.

Because I have faith. In those precious few who have never broken my heart, or shattered my soul. I have faith that they'd always find me. Because they can hear my pack song, and they will always respond. But I'm broken, and my pack song is lonely now. I'm drained of all my color, all the life is bleeding out of me in solitary tears.

I don't care if people think this is just the Borderline. The worst part of BPD is that we tend to attract some of the shittiest people into our lives. We attract the users and abusers and the skeezy jerks who take advantage of a good thing and drain it until it has no choice but to be tainted.

And that's me, now. I'm so drained, my defenses are so low that I don't have a choice anymore. I'm becoming cruel inside, the bitterness is like a decay.

"Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are."

I know there is at least one person who would say this pertains to me as well...But I know in my heart of hearts, and in the haven of those who do love me, who love me too well to lie to me to pad my ego...that I'm not guilty of this crime.

My crime is that I am insane. I do the same thing over and over again, praying for different results, and being broken when they don't come to be.

So here I am, trying to open my eyes and gather the courage to do what I need to do, no matter the consequences.

And what more needs to be said?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
-Neil Gaiman.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness

Oh the irony. So May is BPD awareness month. May is also my birth month. I do have some tiny amusement over this.

Anyway, right now I'm working on getting people in my life to help me end the stigma. I'm trying to figure out who all will buy a bracelet, and then once everyone numbers in, I'm going to order bracelets.

I can't find premade ones anywhere anymore, so now I'm going to do it myself.

After all, this is my life. I don't really have a choice in it and I know it's had a negative impact on the people in my life. So maybe if we can all raise awareness then perhaps we can end the stigma, end the fear, and bring about more healing.

Education, I think, is the best way to spread compassion and understanding.

How can I expect people to know and understand me and my issues if I don't do the work to get it out there?

I guess that is my biggest thing. No one is going to know what's what if I don't get the tools for them to learn.

I mean, sure, in an ideal world if you hear someone you love has an issue you'd go out and learn everything you can and become the biggest advocate EVER.

But I'm not an idealist. I know better. I know people have their own issues as well. So if I want them to know, to understand, then I gotta give them the building blocks to do something about it.

So here I am.

Working on those building blocks, working on spreading understanding, compassion, knowledge and ending the stigma.

I want the next girl or boy like me to not have to explain to everyone what BPD is, I want therapists to not be afraid of revealing the diagnosis, I want BPD to have the same reach as Bipolar. So that when a BPDer gets into a relationship and admits to their illness, they don't have to deal with the same shame and humiliation I had to when the only reaction I got was a blank face.

I want there to at least be a passing recognition.

Because this isn't going away.

We have to do something about it.

So here I am...and I hope you'll be here with me too.

Paralysis in the face of crisis

My life is currently filled to the brim with doctor visits and appointments and paranoia and the occasional urge to beat my head against the wall. Of course, more frequently I'd rather beat other people's head through walls. I'm not actually a masochist after all.

I have the strangest flare ups in my stupid Borderline.

And I do mean strangest.

Like today, I wanted nothing more then to stay at home all day, hidden away from the world so I could just learn to breathe again.

After all, some days I just forget how to function. Today was one of those days. I call them 'reset' days. Because I take the time to just do little nothings that allow me a sort of meditation because I'm busy while I focus on my breathing. It's actually very calming. (You should try it some time.)

I'm very paranoid right now. I'm not sure if it's my intuition ringing a bell, or if I'm just very seriously paranoid. Sometimes it takes me a few days to tell me which is which.

In fact, I'm not sure if my intuition is related to my BPD. Because I have an UNCANNY ability to have dreams or nigglings in my mind when something isn't right with someone in my life. When someone is lying to me, or has...intentions that are less then stellar or fair for me.

But occasionally it's just the BPD paranoia. Sometimes it's just me not trusting people. Often, I don't trust people that aren't counted among my closest friends. Of course, I've never been given a real reason to trust humanity.

Why should I?

They have mocked me, they have terrorized me, they have abused me, beaten me down. They have slandered my name, and shown me an encompassing amount of disrespect. So to be fair, my paranoia isn't entirely based in fancy.

And to be fair the more time I spend contemplating what's going on in my life, the more I realize that I've almost always had reason to be paranoid.

I've reacted harshly, to be sure. But not always because I was wrong, sometimes it was simply because the emotions were a suckerpunch.

Sometimes, as a Borderliner, if I'm expecting the emotions I can do soemthiing about it. But if I'm taken by surprise, if I'm slapped in the face, so to speak, I can't get a hand on the reins of my emotions.

I think of them, sometimes, as a living thing. Something that is part of me, but still separate because I can't always control them.

And I know, I've heard it a million times: OF COURSE YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS! :D

....No.

That's the thing!

"Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering."

So my psyche has third degree burns. I have no emotional skin. No protection.

The slightest bump, the tiniest jostling is the equivalent of stabbing someone emotionally.

How the hell do I control that, when it hurts so bad, and all I can do is lash out because it's the only logical (yeah you heard me, logical) reaction to that sort of pain.

It's not fair. Not to you, not to me. Not to anyone. It's not fair to me that you can hurt me with the littlest upset. It's not fair to you that when it hurts me, I lash out. It's a painful process, and one that I try so hard to keep control over.

Just please, understand me.

I don't ask to be pardoned- just forgiven. I don't ask to be right- just understood. I don't ask to be loved- just respected. I don't ask to be coddled- just for some care in your handling of me. I don't ask to be protected- just to have a safety net.

A link.

Here you go. A link about multiplicity.

Mind you: Everyone is singular and different and so this is just...well, it's a layman's guide.

http://www.karitas.net/blackbirds/layman/whatis.html

Please read it.