Monday, January 24, 2011

When did we lose our humanity and revert to creatures of hell's 9th level?

There is so much whizzing through my head right now, so many emotions flying around with all the force of a hurricane. I have always known my emotions are a terrible force to be reckoned with, but sometimes I forget until they turn on me.

And they have.

My emotions are tearing me apart from the inside out. And it is so utterly painful. I am so hurt. I loathe this state of being. I utterly loathe it. And as a result I sort of hate myself for being such a frequent visitor to this state of mind. There isn't anything I can DO about it, so logically I shouldn't beat myself up over it. But there isn't anything logical or reasonable or rational about it.

The fact is I'm so full of disgust.

It came to my realization that while I've lived in Washington, the number of people in my life out here who haven't treated me like shit, or hurt me is painfully small. It is a horribly small number.

I am surrounded by horrible human beings.

I acknowledge that I myself am not a picture of goodness and sweetness and wonderful fluffy things.

But I can also state with certainty and no arrogance that I always, always TRY TO BE GOOD. I try to be kind, and forgiving, and patient, and considerate, and understanding. I try always to be loving, and loyal, and faithful, to defend those who are not there to defend themselves.

So why is it all these people are so fucking petty?

If me, the head case who is spending her time in therapy, the head case who is all but certifiably insane...why am I the only one who I see making these efforts?

You people! With your health, and stability, with your independence and your strength. With all these things you should cherish and you throw them around and turn it into a joke! You spend your time, wasting yourself in petty behavior! You have families and love and support and you spend your time telling lies, making fun of people who need tolerance and not your cruelty.

You're so....despicable. What me and mine fight to have you toss aside like rubbish and make yourself into something detestable. You're so caught up in yourselves and your drama, your cheating and your lust. Your lies and your inconsiderate behavior. Your hate and cruelty, your racism, sexism, your disgusting behavior.

I'm so sick of being surrounded by lies and broken promises, secrecy and all that rubbish treatment of your fellow humans.

I understand no one is perfect, but how hard is it to be humane, to be kind? What the fuck is wrong with being KIND?!

But that doesn't happen anymore.

Instead people are behaving like animals. Sex means nothing, bodies are used as cheap tools to get what you want and if you don't match up to their ideals you have people who mock you and talk down to you. Gender is used as a weapon, sexuality is a thing to be turned into a joke. Cruelty is the norm and kindness is out of date. People blame the victims and if they can justify something in their head then everyone else is wrong.

Never mind the feelings of other people, never mind the reality of the situation.

I'm deciding I like people less and less, and I wish to spend less and less time around them. No one keeps their promises anymore, no one cares about anyone other then themselves, and if you make the mistake to care or ask for help...you're screwed. You get taken advantage of.

More and more I'm not here, I'm going away into my dissociation. More and more I'm trusting people less and less. I don't want to be around people because I just can't handle it.

There is so littler tolerance, so little acceptance, so little care or love or kindness...and I just can't do it anymore.

I have my limits, I have only so much forgiveness for the same cruelty and I'm out.

I'm so ready to be done with people.

I have therapy tomorrow and I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

New Years Words.

Here is to hoping this year we all learn to be a little bit more mature, a little bit kinder, and a little bit more patient.



Here is to all of us being a little less selfish and a little more selfless.



Here is to the year we learn to be thankful for what we have, and stop coveting that which we do not need.



Here is to my wish for a year filled with tolerance, acceptance, and equality.



This is my dearest wish, that we all of us can learn to be more honest, more faithful, more loyal and more loving.



My dream is for all of us to look into the future and make choices that will help us all, not hinder any single group.



Here is to friends being people you can depend on, family being people you look to be around, and loves that lift you up, not drag you down.



Here is to serenity for the soul, peace of mind, and joy for us all.



Here is to children being allowed to be children, adults being adults, and humans being humane in all their dealings with the world, other people, children and animals.



This last year has taught me to be thankful for all that have, from a place to live, people to share my life with, a family that I am being closer to in spirit, an a love that is growing ever stronger.

I have learned that it is good and healthful to set boundaries, and that it means only that I have matured to defend them. I have learned to be gracious in my dealings with people who have wronged me, I have learned to be more forgiving of those small slights that come from people's individual growth. I have learned to appreciate myself for all that I am, in all my glorious being.

I have learned to value myself and to demand that I be treated with respect by the people in my life, and how to stand up for myself when I am not given what I need. I have learned how to find respect for others that is true and honest and deeply rooted. I have learned to love my body, with all it's flaws and scars. I learned to love my mind, with all it's scars and flaws as well.





This year I hope to see a change in the world for the better.



So here is to you, to see you grow into a better version of yourself, here is to seeing you attain happiness and strength and honor.



Here is to the revival of the important parts of chivalry. To honor, and integrity, of justice and morality, of faith in humanity, and protecting those who cannot protect themselves. Here is to courtesy, and honesty, to loyalty and love, to laughter and sweetness, here is to everything that is good about this world and watching it prevail this year, and every year yet to come.



And here is to you helping change this world, yourself, and all that you touch for the better.



Here is to being the change we want to see in the world.