There is so much whizzing through my head right now, so many emotions flying around with all the force of a hurricane. I have always known my emotions are a terrible force to be reckoned with, but sometimes I forget until they turn on me.
And they have.
My emotions are tearing me apart from the inside out. And it is so utterly painful. I am so hurt. I loathe this state of being. I utterly loathe it. And as a result I sort of hate myself for being such a frequent visitor to this state of mind. There isn't anything I can DO about it, so logically I shouldn't beat myself up over it. But there isn't anything logical or reasonable or rational about it.
The fact is I'm so full of disgust.
It came to my realization that while I've lived in Washington, the number of people in my life out here who haven't treated me like shit, or hurt me is painfully small. It is a horribly small number.
I am surrounded by horrible human beings.
I acknowledge that I myself am not a picture of goodness and sweetness and wonderful fluffy things.
But I can also state with certainty and no arrogance that I always, always TRY TO BE GOOD. I try to be kind, and forgiving, and patient, and considerate, and understanding. I try always to be loving, and loyal, and faithful, to defend those who are not there to defend themselves.
So why is it all these people are so fucking petty?
If me, the head case who is spending her time in therapy, the head case who is all but certifiably insane...why am I the only one who I see making these efforts?
You people! With your health, and stability, with your independence and your strength. With all these things you should cherish and you throw them around and turn it into a joke! You spend your time, wasting yourself in petty behavior! You have families and love and support and you spend your time telling lies, making fun of people who need tolerance and not your cruelty.
You're so....despicable. What me and mine fight to have you toss aside like rubbish and make yourself into something detestable. You're so caught up in yourselves and your drama, your cheating and your lust. Your lies and your inconsiderate behavior. Your hate and cruelty, your racism, sexism, your disgusting behavior.
I'm so sick of being surrounded by lies and broken promises, secrecy and all that rubbish treatment of your fellow humans.
I understand no one is perfect, but how hard is it to be humane, to be kind? What the fuck is wrong with being KIND?!
But that doesn't happen anymore.
Instead people are behaving like animals. Sex means nothing, bodies are used as cheap tools to get what you want and if you don't match up to their ideals you have people who mock you and talk down to you. Gender is used as a weapon, sexuality is a thing to be turned into a joke. Cruelty is the norm and kindness is out of date. People blame the victims and if they can justify something in their head then everyone else is wrong.
Never mind the feelings of other people, never mind the reality of the situation.
I'm deciding I like people less and less, and I wish to spend less and less time around them. No one keeps their promises anymore, no one cares about anyone other then themselves, and if you make the mistake to care or ask for help...you're screwed. You get taken advantage of.
More and more I'm not here, I'm going away into my dissociation. More and more I'm trusting people less and less. I don't want to be around people because I just can't handle it.
There is so littler tolerance, so little acceptance, so little care or love or kindness...and I just can't do it anymore.
I have my limits, I have only so much forgiveness for the same cruelty and I'm out.
I'm so ready to be done with people.
I have therapy tomorrow and I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it.
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