I don't feel like I'm strong enough...

I went in the other day to get my tattoo...It's a Celtic tree of life that looks like a cross between a tree and a pendant. Of course, it's all grayscale. But the words "Love As Thou Wilt" are around the top of it. It's painfully lovely to my eyes, and to the eyes of those who know me, and understand what it means.

The tree of life, over where my heart resides to remind me that all the shit I've been through strengthens my roots, allowing me to reach towards the sun, and the sun which I bask in continues to allow me to sink strong roots, and I continue to grow. And it never ends. Because, "Even a stunted tree reaches for sunlight." as Prince Imriel de la Courcel‎ was able to discover in Kusheil's Scion (By Jacqueline Carey)

And that's me. I may be stunted from the terrible events that litter my life, from the personality disorder that makes my world terrifying and exhausting but I continue to reach for the sun.


The three hours I spent under the tattoo needles were a little bit of a benediction. This symbol that I now wear upon my skin that proclaim the horror of my childhood, the strength that I now possess, the delicate shoots of growth that I continue to put out, it all speaks to the need I have to remember that life never ends, and I am going to be part of the change.

The words Love As Thou Wilt were actually the least painful part of the process, and I found a bit of humor in that. That's the one part where I've never had trouble...Loving freely, as I find best, loving without fear. I've never been afraid of who my heart draws me to, be it a friend or a lover.


The sort of pain that came from the tattoo was actually very similar to that which I'd experience when I used to cut. It had that same sort of relaxing release. It took all the bundled nerves and anxious tension I had wound up inside me from weeks of just living my life and it let it seep out into the air around me.

I think, if it were not quite so expensive, I'd be in for tattoos all the time. Because everything I'd get would be punctuation for my life, and full of meaning. And the process is a massive release.