Sanctuary, my sanctuary

Do you ever wonder about that word? Sanctuary.

I realize that the original connotations are religious, but if you go down a few notches, it means a place of refuge.

They are few and far between for those of us who're chased by our demons. Because we're not safe in our own minds, we're not safe in our own skin. So where are we afford that oh so precious sanctuary?

In you.

Obviously it's different for everyone, and we can each have a couple places. For example: When I don't know what else to do, I read. When my grief is so intense that I can't make my mind accept the words, I'll watch Supernatural. No really.

But most of all, the one place I can turn to to allow me refuge, is you. Friends, family, random people who'll just sit and talk with me. Because they're so REAL. They're real when I am not. They're who they are no matter what, and I study it. I look to see how all the pieces fit together, so that I can be like that too.

So that one day I will be a real girl, with all my pieces bound together in one single entity. I want to draw in all the different Ana-things and make them into one person. One person who is everything and everyone she needs to me. An Ana who is a daughter, sister, friend, auntie de facto, girlfriend and herself all together. Instead of these shifts from one to another to another. Because sometimes when I'm one, I forget how to be anything else.

And I hate that. I wanna be able to be two, or three, four or all five all at once.

Sooner or later I'm going to have to be.

I mean someday I plan on having a wedding, a marriage, a family...And then all of my parts will have to come into play every single day.

It's why I spend so much time alone. Because switching back and forth between my different selves is a lot of work. And it's exhausting. And I get overwhelmed and freak out a little bit.

So I try so very hard to just be one at a time. And once I have that mastered I'm going to keep moving on, until one day all the different parts of me can exist together in the refuge of my own skin.

Because it's my dearest hope that someday, someday I will be all of me. A me that can live, love, laugh and just BE.

It's why I occasionally look at my phone like it's the spawn of a demon.

Because some days, I can't be anyone. And I just have to figure out that I exist at all.