Suspended in a compromise.

We sent our gods away, many years gone by, because in our arrogance we felt no need for them any longer. We devoted our lives to a myriad of different sciences, to furthering what breakthroughs we've had to make us technological titans in medicine, machine, weapon, virus and creation. But with no gods, we had no compass. Now, me, I don't believe in gods, and that means I'm just a child of our world, raised with no reason to fear anything but my fellow man and what weapons that are wielded.

I believe we create our own gods and devils. How can I believe anything else? I feel a deep connection with the world around me and the people I encounter, moved to tears by things that other people don't even flinch at, marveling at the world around me. But I don't believe that there is a god in the way the religions I'm acquainted with paint. Just as I don't believe their picture of a devil. I believe in good an evil, I believe in cruelty and kindness, coldness and empathy. I believe we create our own gods and heavens, and our fears fashion us hells and devils. The angels and demons are the people we meet.

A friend, a kind person who is selfless, how is that not an angel of some sort? Human predators who torture and abuse others are as close to demons as anything I can imagine.

Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this. I've been told you can't analyze beliefs, you just basically close your eyes and pick a direction. But I don't believe that for a second, actually. I feel like you have to find something that calls to the core of your very being.

A Christmas or two ago a friend of mine gave me a tarot deck called the Faerie's Oracle and with it I have felt a connecting to an otherness that I only felt as a child, a deep sense of rightness.

After I was home this last time my mom informed me my Uncle Michael (passed away in '89) used to do tarot as well as had the same knack for it I seem to.

How can I not feel connected to this man who I met only in the first months of my life, too young to even remember his face? I don't believe there is a god linking us, I believe that somehow in the vast universe he shared some of his stardust with me, passing on a part of himself in the moment he first held me.

My mother tells me how very much he would have loved me, how we would have been inseparable, two odd little birds flocking together. Maybe the universe wanted to leave my mother a part of him, and since I was so young, so unformed I was receptive to what stardust he had to offer.

This is very, very tangential and I don't plan to revise or edit, as this is a place for me to just write and think and allow everything to flow out of me into a place where I can look back on it. Where I can experience my own thoughts again.

I'm a bit worked up because I had posted the first paragraph of this entry on facebook (I'd written it awhile ago and when I rediscovered it today it hit a note that I didn't want to ignore) and someone got very defensive about God as he believes him to be, and it just made me angry.

Why is his version any more credible or fulfilling than the one I choose to believe? Believe what you will, but do not force feed it to me. If you'd like to debate theoretically or something, I'm game, if you'd like to share your beliefs with me when I invite that sort of topic, by all means...But I do dislike this invasion into something that is, in essence, my space and the brash attitude he took.

I need to go eat something. I think my blood sugar is dropping and I'm just working myself up more.

Inking Wings

Dip your pen in this inkwell of my blood
Carefully draw out my life's moments
Press the silver edge of your pen deeper
Try to soak up my well, so wasteful.
Ink out my grievances carefully
Mix them with rain born of sorrow
Given birth from eyes lined in anguish
The pain, more then I can bear, is as deep as marrow
I'm dying without death
As we form the letters of my heartache.
I'm outlined in crimson ink,
Flowing through the depths of me
Mapping out my history
All the battles and victories, conquests and defeats
Every minute aspect etched indelibly into every atom of my existence.
I'm inking out the wings of an angel
Through every fragile layer of skin,
into the bone and all the way down
To the core of my soul.

Are we bound?

Scars build up on paper thin skin
Paper cuts that sting like hell
Bruises that have to explanation
Maybe you can see the reason for me to be this way
All I want is an end.
Better or worse.
Richer or poorer.
The love-vows only work if you're bound.
Maybe there is a reason.
Explain to me where I'm broken
What part is missing?
How did I survive with out?
I want your hands out to catch me
I need to feel your strength at my back
I feel the cold doubt seeping through my veins
Don't let words mean more then my body seeking yours.
Don't push me away.
Was I your worst mistake?
I don't make any sense to myself.
While you're out I'll pack my bags.
Slowly I'll run away and hide
How long will it take you to see
All that was, could have been, but will never be?
Out the door I do, don't wanna hurt us anymore
Am I gonna be another name on the list?
Another set of regrets?
Will you be another tear tracking down my cheek?
Another scar that mars my skin?
Do we mark each other after all?
Branded....but are we bound?

Failure is my middle name.

The horrible and the heavenly
Perfection in pleasure and pain
The ultimate destiny.
Endure and survive.
This life is shared by all,
The end is the beginning undone
Perhaps be fight a battle indefinitely un-won
This is the blackness
The joy of the dark
This is our reason
Our gods come to our hearts and mind
Wearing black, it's death, the bed unlaid.
Failure is our middle name
We lay in graves unmade, unmade.
Do you wonder how I stand on the edge
And fight the urge to jump?
Have you any idea how the thought haunts me?
I stand here, alone, at the edge of the world
Trying to see the sky, but seeing only nothingness.
Where is my starlit sky?
Moonless, stars too far away for the light to filter down
Nothing to show me my way home
No North Star to guide my skip
Just endless black.
My vices, my sins, the weakness
That hangs over my head
And I stand in fear
of it all falling down around me
I'm not dead, just falling into the grave marked for me
Maybe you can't see my end at the edge
of your presence
But you may decide my fate.

Quietly, quietly.

Defective soul-beats to the sound of tinkling as the heart breaks.

Questing for a salve to the terrors that rock your world, chilling the marrow of your bones.

The only magic I have is the magic in my blood, the sound of my heart and the flow of my love.

Loyalty to the agony that rattles the core as you close your eyes against the tears.

Sorrow that flows like a river to the ocean of your bottomless past.

Childlike wonder gives way to hate as the world slaughters your desire to dance.

So I do not dance anymore, and the lights go out. I see that smile fade and so do I.

Interconnected, delicately wound into the fabric of your existence, I burn out as you pale.

A nightmare turned reality. Will I never be allowed to wake up?

A writing.

I break my own heart, by allowing myself to hope. To believe in the goodness I want to exist within the core of each person I encounter.



I want you to be a good person, and because I want it to be true, I allow myself to be hurt. And I know, shame on me. For I should protect myself from you and your charm and your cruelty that hides beneath the surface. But I want to believe. I want so very much to believe.



I want to be a good, strong person. But sometimes my idea of what it means to be good can hurt people. Or hurt myself.



It's so painful.



I want to make sure I am always honest with you, about how I feel, who I am, and what I want. But sometimes honesty hurts, because it isn't what you want to hear. I understand that. But I don't want to be the liar that I could be. I don't want to lie the way I've been lied to. And I'm sorry that my truth isn't want you want to hear.



I hurt myself, in the process of trying to help others, because I want to heal the world in the way I have never been healed.



I know you think you're so badly off, that the world is out to get you, and that your life sucks so much. And I'm so sorry that you cannot see how blessed you are. Blessed in ways I have never been. I am so sorry that you are so lost in your desire to be pitied that you lose your chance to thrive in the joy of life. But I cannot keep draining myself to pick up your slack. Because I am so broken inside and you will never understand because you cannot live my life or experience my mind.



I give out all the light I have in my soul to brighten the paths of those I love, that I keep nothing for myself. And I am so exhausted, so lost in darkness and shadows.



I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, I wish you could feel the things you have done to me. I wish you could know the world the way I do. I wish you could feel the beat of my heart in your veins, I wish you could feel the thrum of my breath in your lungs. I wish you could feel the pulse of my life, my emotions, my loss and pain and sorrow down in the marrow of your bones. Because I know that if you could feel the depth of my life, the extent of my sorrow, and the keen edge of my loss then you wouldn't doubt my desire to be good. To be honest. To believe. Because if I do not fight for even ounce of sunlight in my life, I will be swallowed by my past.

When did we lose our humanity and revert to creatures of hell's 9th level?

There is so much whizzing through my head right now, so many emotions flying around with all the force of a hurricane. I have always known my emotions are a terrible force to be reckoned with, but sometimes I forget until they turn on me.

And they have.

My emotions are tearing me apart from the inside out. And it is so utterly painful. I am so hurt. I loathe this state of being. I utterly loathe it. And as a result I sort of hate myself for being such a frequent visitor to this state of mind. There isn't anything I can DO about it, so logically I shouldn't beat myself up over it. But there isn't anything logical or reasonable or rational about it.

The fact is I'm so full of disgust.

It came to my realization that while I've lived in Washington, the number of people in my life out here who haven't treated me like shit, or hurt me is painfully small. It is a horribly small number.

I am surrounded by horrible human beings.

I acknowledge that I myself am not a picture of goodness and sweetness and wonderful fluffy things.

But I can also state with certainty and no arrogance that I always, always TRY TO BE GOOD. I try to be kind, and forgiving, and patient, and considerate, and understanding. I try always to be loving, and loyal, and faithful, to defend those who are not there to defend themselves.

So why is it all these people are so fucking petty?

If me, the head case who is spending her time in therapy, the head case who is all but certifiably insane...why am I the only one who I see making these efforts?

You people! With your health, and stability, with your independence and your strength. With all these things you should cherish and you throw them around and turn it into a joke! You spend your time, wasting yourself in petty behavior! You have families and love and support and you spend your time telling lies, making fun of people who need tolerance and not your cruelty.

You're so....despicable. What me and mine fight to have you toss aside like rubbish and make yourself into something detestable. You're so caught up in yourselves and your drama, your cheating and your lust. Your lies and your inconsiderate behavior. Your hate and cruelty, your racism, sexism, your disgusting behavior.

I'm so sick of being surrounded by lies and broken promises, secrecy and all that rubbish treatment of your fellow humans.

I understand no one is perfect, but how hard is it to be humane, to be kind? What the fuck is wrong with being KIND?!

But that doesn't happen anymore.

Instead people are behaving like animals. Sex means nothing, bodies are used as cheap tools to get what you want and if you don't match up to their ideals you have people who mock you and talk down to you. Gender is used as a weapon, sexuality is a thing to be turned into a joke. Cruelty is the norm and kindness is out of date. People blame the victims and if they can justify something in their head then everyone else is wrong.

Never mind the feelings of other people, never mind the reality of the situation.

I'm deciding I like people less and less, and I wish to spend less and less time around them. No one keeps their promises anymore, no one cares about anyone other then themselves, and if you make the mistake to care or ask for help...you're screwed. You get taken advantage of.

More and more I'm not here, I'm going away into my dissociation. More and more I'm trusting people less and less. I don't want to be around people because I just can't handle it.

There is so littler tolerance, so little acceptance, so little care or love or kindness...and I just can't do it anymore.

I have my limits, I have only so much forgiveness for the same cruelty and I'm out.

I'm so ready to be done with people.

I have therapy tomorrow and I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or dreading it.

New Years Words.

Here is to hoping this year we all learn to be a little bit more mature, a little bit kinder, and a little bit more patient.



Here is to all of us being a little less selfish and a little more selfless.



Here is to the year we learn to be thankful for what we have, and stop coveting that which we do not need.



Here is to my wish for a year filled with tolerance, acceptance, and equality.



This is my dearest wish, that we all of us can learn to be more honest, more faithful, more loyal and more loving.



My dream is for all of us to look into the future and make choices that will help us all, not hinder any single group.



Here is to friends being people you can depend on, family being people you look to be around, and loves that lift you up, not drag you down.



Here is to serenity for the soul, peace of mind, and joy for us all.



Here is to children being allowed to be children, adults being adults, and humans being humane in all their dealings with the world, other people, children and animals.



This last year has taught me to be thankful for all that have, from a place to live, people to share my life with, a family that I am being closer to in spirit, an a love that is growing ever stronger.

I have learned that it is good and healthful to set boundaries, and that it means only that I have matured to defend them. I have learned to be gracious in my dealings with people who have wronged me, I have learned to be more forgiving of those small slights that come from people's individual growth. I have learned to appreciate myself for all that I am, in all my glorious being.

I have learned to value myself and to demand that I be treated with respect by the people in my life, and how to stand up for myself when I am not given what I need. I have learned how to find respect for others that is true and honest and deeply rooted. I have learned to love my body, with all it's flaws and scars. I learned to love my mind, with all it's scars and flaws as well.





This year I hope to see a change in the world for the better.



So here is to you, to see you grow into a better version of yourself, here is to seeing you attain happiness and strength and honor.



Here is to the revival of the important parts of chivalry. To honor, and integrity, of justice and morality, of faith in humanity, and protecting those who cannot protect themselves. Here is to courtesy, and honesty, to loyalty and love, to laughter and sweetness, here is to everything that is good about this world and watching it prevail this year, and every year yet to come.



And here is to you helping change this world, yourself, and all that you touch for the better.



Here is to being the change we want to see in the world.