Friday, September 17, 2010

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion.”

Recently my life has been in constant turmoil, and now is no different.

First off, Mat and I have ended our relationship, and all I can think of is this quote. "Love doesn't die a natural death. Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism. Those guilty of these two crimes of the heart always hide behind excuses convenient; too ashamed, lacking in integrity and courage to face the truth. To them, it is always something other than their own actions, desires and self-importance that dictate circumstances. For these people, so blind to truth, true love can never be fully experienced for they have never really given of themselves all that they are."
(Frank Salvato)

I am not well. I'm brave enough to say this to you. I'm broken and I hurt. My heart has been ground to dust under the heel of a self-centered man.

Over the past four years I have been treated with insane amounts of contempt, I have been neglected, and even abused. My heart has been played with and discarded. My soul has been kicked aside and trampled.

My mother has compared me to a Xena episode, actually. And while part of me wanted to smile over the show reference, the image that it left in my mind was...poignant. The story was of the Goddess Aphrodite... There was a man, and every time he kissed her, he stole some of her godhood, and she got more and more pale, her light ever fading.

And that has been me. I am exhausted and weak, I am pale and ill. I am wasting away in a home where I am blamed for loving, where I am punished for my faith, and I am afraid to forgive.

Now, be aware that for all my anger, I do not hate nor do I want you to bad mouth Mat. I am angry because I have been wronged. I am angry because I have been hurt. But I have earned this anger, and while I know your hearts have bled for me, he is not a bad person. He is a person who is undeveloped. He hasn't learned how to be an adult, a man.

Of course, the results of this crisis have left me in absolute desolation. I am destroyed. I am not ashamed to admit I have cried myself to sleep, nor am I afraid to admit I haven't eaten in 72 hours because I have been so distressed that I get sicker trying to eat then not. I am aware that I have cried myself sick, and that this is cause for worry. But take heart in the fact that at least I'm not hiding it from you.

I have cut.

But I'm working now on coping in a healthier way. I have also chopped off 5 inches of my hair. Oh yes.

Thank god for Xanax, and for my plane ticket home. I'm so grateful for my friends, and my family.

And this situation has really started to show me who IS and who is NOT a true friend. There are those I can count on to tell me truth no matter how much it will hurt, no matter what the consequences. There are those I know will defend me, who have my back and are trying to offer me every bit of help they can. There are those whose hearts sing to mine while I try to relearn the song of my soul.

And then there are those who are cowards. Who will never again have my love or trust. There are those to whom I am kind because it is the GOOD thing to do, and I am going to be a good person.

Because really, I don't know if sins are ever forgiven. I don't know if I am so good that I can really BE good, but I will try. I will try to be good. Because even a stunted tree reaches towards the sun. And even I will yearn to forgive, to love and to be loved.

And it's hard right now. It's hard to believe that I am loved. And part of that is my Borderline. The already present fear of rejection, the distrust, the paranoia...They already reside in my mind...and while I keep them in check, the behavior that Mat has displayed...

Well, I'm not sure I can believe in love. But cruelty, that I have faith in. To quote Jacqueline Carey "When Love cast me out, it was Cruelty who took pity on me." And that...That cuts to the heart of my life. And that makes me feel like Alice. I feel as though I have lost my muchness. (Yes, I am making an ABSURD amount of references. Because I am on my Xanax and my brain is a little fuzzy from all the cry. So accept it.)

And I am afraid. I am so afraid. Because...Mat wants me to move out. My options are very limited. And none of them particularly ideal. If I can find my own housemate, good. If I cannot...then I would be put into a shelter or transitional housing. My mom will have none of this and would rather come get me then allow that to happen.

Mat has said 'we'll figure something out' because he doesn't want me to be in a shelter either. But...I don't see how we'll figure anything else. If we stay living in the same house I can only see a couple outcomes...Either we'll fall back into our old patterns, and be miserable. Or we'll try and heal and get over things and because of the intense stress of the situation it will become violent over time.

This isn't exactly something I want out of life. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want loyalty, I want trust, I want to be able to trust. I want all the things that I believe in my heart are human RIGHTS.

And I do not believe I will get that.

I am very, very broken inside.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Rules from the life of a BPD girl

Yeah, I'm doing this. Because I'm thinkin' about things. (mind you, it's not OMG Rule #1 is most important...They're all of equal importance.)


Rule #1: Honesty is the best policy, however, that doesn't mean you need to spill all the aspects of your life. Sometimes for your own sake answer ONLY the minimum of the question asked of you. (Example: If you're asked "Do you know what time it is?" You answer yes, or no. Not what the actual time is.)
(A note: Do not use this rule as an excuse to HIDE things. If you are asked a question, answer it. If someone indicates they need the whole truth, no reservations then respect them enough to DO so.)


Rule #2: Protect yourself. Be a good person, be kind, be generous, but do not drain yourself on the behalf of someone if you don't have to. Especially if they do not deserve it. Sometimes, it is needed, and there are people who deserve it. Be unstinting in your goodness.


Rule #3: Trust MUST be earned. If you have earned the trust of someone else and they do nothing to earn yours, they never will. Trust should be mutual.


Rule #4: Respect is like trust. If you're not giving, do not expect to get it. UNLESS you have been respectful and they do not respect you. That is when you may ask for proof of respect before returning it.


Rule #5: If you've been taken for granted, don't fight. Just walk out. No words, nothing. Just leave. Because your words won't matter.


Rule #6: Past actions ARE the best indicator for future behavior.


Rule #7: Trust your instincts. If they say you're being lied to, you probably are.


Rule #8: Do harm to none. But do not let them harm you either.


Rule #9: A contingency plan is a good thing to have. If you don't have one already for the major aspects of your life, start planning.

Rule #10: Speak your mind. But use tact. Being a jerk will get you nowhere, and if it DOES, then you should reconsider the people in your life.

Rule #11: NEVER let someone treat you like you're inferior. If they feel the need to do so, show them the error of their ways. If they don't listen, remove them from your life.

Rule #12: Set your boundaries. Guard them. Do not let anyone breach them.

Rule #13: Bottle your emotions and you will regret it. It will take a toil on your mind, body, and soul. And eventually it will become too much and you WILL explode. When you do, it will be ugly. Try to avoid such a situation.

Rule #14: Never hide an injury...even the ones no one can see. Especially the ones that are unseen.

Rule #15: If you are lying, expect to be lied to.

Rule #16: Always expect the worst, that way no matter what happens you'll be prepared.

Rule #17: People will be cruel. If you start to believe them, find a professional and trust them to tell you the truth, or go to the people who love you, they won't lie to you or for you. Because people are cruel for more reasons then there are life under the sun.

Rule #18: Be strong enough to support yourself. You will never be 'completed' by another person. Work every day to LOVE and ACCEPT yourself.

Rule #19: Your friends should be of the HIGHEST caliber. You will be judged by the people you call your friends. If you surround yourself by people as smart, and smarter then you, you will always be learning.

Rule #20: Always be willing to try things that will heal, or better you.

Rule #21: Embrace your responsibilities. Find joy in all aspects of your life.

Rule #22: Never abandon someone. Hold yourself to honor and integrity, bring courage into your life in all aspects.

Rule #23: Find healthy ways to release your anger, your rage, your sorrow, your fear, your pain.

Rule #24: If you betray someone, expect the worst karma. You will never be trusted again.

Rule #25: If you can't share the spotlight, then be ready to be alone...

Rule #26: To not bend is to break. To not meet half way is to say you're better then other. To say that is to be a bastard. You then deserve to get punched.

Rule #27: The world is violent, humans are violent. To pretend to be totally civilized is to deny the most primitive part of us. But to do violence to another is the epitome of wrong.

Rule #28: Do not be afraid, or too proud, to ask for help.

Rule #29: Family comes first. Love comes first. To balance these things is hard, but you must do so.

Rule #30: Demand happiness. Do not settle for less.

Rule #31: EXPRESS YOURSELF. Be who you are.

Rule #32: Always have goals. Make plans, don't just dream. But dream. Dream big.

Rule #33: Lean about yourself. Learn about the people in your life. If that means research, then do so. Go the distance.

Rule #34: When you LISTEN, listen with your soul as well. When you SPEAK, speak with your whole body. When you LOVE, love completely.

Rule #35: Find beauty everywhere. Because there is so much ugliness and there is so much cruelty and it could break you if you let it. So find beauty, surround yourself with it.

Rule #36: Love. LOVE! Love love love. Love unconditionally.

Rule #37: Cultivate patience! It is indispensable.

Rule #38: Acceptance and tolerance. Accept yourself, accept those around you. That which you do not agree with tolerate. Obviously this has boundaries. Do not accept or tolerate abuse, neglect, murder, things that are WRONG. Those you should NOT accept. I state this so as not to be used as an excuse.

Rule #39: Man up to your mistakes. Own your faults, own your weaknesses, know yourself and don't back down from the truth. If you mess up, admit it, apologize, work not to do it again.

Rule #40: If the people in your life do not love and accept and support you when you're at your worst in life, they don't deserve you at your best. This is the absolute truth.



That is all for now. As I discover more, I will add them.