Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cover my eyes, cover my ears...tell me these words are a lie.

My soul is dying. Inside that piece of me that I call my core, where everything that is me, the very essence of Ana, my soul is rotting to death. Its a slow, agonizing death. Filled with stabbing pain and bouts of aching numbness.

I hadn't even realized it, because with everything going on my heart has been shattered a thousand times over in just the last two months...I honestly couldn't tell one type of pain from the other.

But since I've stepped away from the source of my agony, I've realized that the sheer amount of disregard and neglect has damaged my soul beyond repair.

I often wonder if I am stronger or weaker for the weight I carry of my Borderline. I know that I spend each day locked in a battle, and who my enemy is changes with all the fluidity of the ocean, everything from myself, my illness, to the people who hurt me. But do these battles build up my strength, or drain away the power of my heart and soul?

Am I fading away, until all that will be left is a shade? A memory of a song that was my soul? Do I even remember the words to my song? Because when I think about it, I can't recall. Am I made of light and laughter or blood and tears? Am I weighed down by the cruelty that has been a constant companion, lurking ever in the shadows waiting to trip me up? Have I grown stronger?

I feel like I'm burning, and no one can feel the flames that are licking at my skin, slowly devouring me. I wonder if I actually try to scream, will anything come out? I'm starting to doubt that there is anything I can do to stave off the pain or the terror of my soul's death.

If things continue on in this pattern, soon I will be like a haunting. The lingering memory of a girl who had hopes and dreams, a heart full of love and a ready smile. And all that will remain is a wraith. A lie.

I'm dying and there isn't a damn thing I can do to stop it, because I'm too sad to give a fuck.

Love is an excuse to get hurt, I swear. I feel like just by believing in love I basically put myself out there and handed out the knives which I have then been stabbed in the back with.

I don't know if I'll ever trust people to love me again. I don't feel anything when people say it to me, and I respond only out of habit.

Because if you loved me, why would you lie to me? Hide things from me? Why would you choose someone's side over mine when I needed you? Why would you disregard my dignity, my human rights? Why would you look me in the eye and tell me that you love me while you're sharpening the knife to plunge in my back?

I trusted too easily, and I am now left with a shattered heart and a dying soul.